That Moment When You Learn You've Been Misdiagnosed

I battled on going back to my psychiatrist for a couple months now ... however, I knew that my OCD was getting worse. I was constantly battling with myself about how things needed to line up, be in specific place, feeling overwhelmed because things WEREN'T where they should be. I knew I needed to go back, but I also knew that I had been off my bi-polar meds for a few months and really didn't want to have the "talk" with my psychiatrist ... which, really, is funny since I LOVE who I go to now.

Well, I decided to bite the bullet yesterday and walk over to make the appointment since I was there anyway (my daughter's psychiatrist is right next door). I was able to get in to see my doctor the very next day (today). Course, that gave me no time to try to back out of the appointment. See ... I know myself well enough to know that if I give myself enough time to back out of something, I will. But I also know that with enrolling in school, I needed to get in and get things taken care of.

She called me back and immediately asked if I was okay (cause she hadn't seen me since October). I told her that for the most part, I was doing great.  However, I wanted to chat about my diagnosis and some questions that I had. She smiled and looked at me ... then she said, "let's chat, cause I have had a lot of question marks on my file for you."

My guard went down immediately and I started to tell her about how I felt and the questions I had with the bi-polar diagnosis, especially with the stuff I have been filling out for my children. I talked to her about how I felt like I really never have had the swings that people talk about and I felt that I was never listened to. She sat and asked me questions based on the flags that had been raised to dive deeper into them. Then she added:

"I have had problems with your bipolar diagnosis since you came in and let me tell you why. 1) You have never had swings that last for days/weeks/months. 2) You have never had feelings of grandiosity. 3) You've never been suicidal or self-harmed. 4) You have never been prescribed a high enough dose of bipolar meds to make me feel like you every had bipolar. Your prescription strength has been the same since you were diagnosed. I know, I pulled the records."

I wasn't really sure what to say. Honestly. I immediately had questions on if bipolar can go into remission. Maybe I had it once and then after babies it went away. I mean, that is a pretty heavy diagnosis ... right?

That's when I learned that many psychiatrists don't fully understand bipolar, just like they don't fully understand Autism. They are very hard to diagnose and things are thrown around. It is easy to look for a few key red flags and slap the diagnosis on there. What she thinks happened is my psychiatrist at the university took the mood questionnaire and had me check yes or no. While that is a great start, it should lead to further questions and further investigation. Unfortunately, many times, doctors will count the check marks and make a decision. Then you are stuck with a label.

I am NOT denying that I have issues. I know I do. I have anger management issues. I have issues with sounds and textures. I have issues with OCD. I have issues with not bouncing around with my ideas ... mainly because I am good in MANY areas. It makes it HARD to settle down in one area. Does that mean I have ADD? Possibly. However, it is not severe enough to hinder my abilities in life. It is not making life hard to live or preventing me from doing things. It has been put down as a mild case, but since I am able to follow through, I am not going to worry about it .. .neither is my psychiatrist. Does this mean I have SPD? No. Everyone has things they avoid. I know what textures and sounds I dislike and I avoid them. I will talk to a therapist if necessary to learn how to cope with them.

So ... what is my diagnosis if I am not bi-polar?

I have OCD. My OCD causes me to have anxiety and my sensory issues can cause that anxiety to heighten ... causing my OCD to worsen. BUT ... I just have OCD as a diagnosis. I'm being taken off of ALL my bi-polar meds and it has been deleted from my file. They are upping my Prozac and I will go back to the doctor in a few weeks to see if we need to add therapy to the medication. If I do therapy, it will be in the form of Cognitive Behavior ... or Exposure & Response. Basically, I will learn how to train my body to NOT go into fight or flight mode when exposed to triggers.

 May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. I have spent the last few weeks working on helping my children get the help they need to become better people. I realized that I needed to also fight for myself. Know that you are not alone. We need to get over the stigma of talking about mental health. Not only am I okay with knowing that I have a need for a psychiatrist in my life ... I am becoming okay with knowing that I am a parent with mental health issues. I NEED to be open and honest with myself. I need to not feel guilty (although I do, daily) for the issues that my children struggle with. I am not alone in the struggle to parent with inside battles. I am also not alone in parenting children who struggle with inner battles. Let this be one of the many times that I state ... if you have questions about mental health or you feel like you are struggling ... reach out to me. A label is nothing more than that ... a label. It is what you do with that label that is who you are.

*please note - I have no intention of going after the initial psychiatrists who diagnosed me with bipolar. It was 13 years ago. I am moving on.