The struggle is real

When I started this blog, it was supposed to be a place where I could just unload. I wanted to help people who also have children who have been diagnosed with crazy acronyms and the diagnoses do nothing but tell you that your children behave a certain way. What those diagnoses don't do is tell you how difficult life will be and what to expect. Every child is different. Today is the beginning of Autism Awareness month, and I have changed my profile photo on Facebook. I don't call it Awareness ... because we are ALL aware there is autism. What we need more of is acceptance. Accept that neurological disorders manifest in very different ways. No two children are the same and the parents who battle behind the scenes are doing everything they can to protect their children's hearts ... and help them to become a functional member of society when they grow up.

That brings me to my latest battle.


My wonderful first born has been struggling with violent mood swings since she was about three years old. There was a period when we actually thought she might have bi-polar disorder. However, she doesn't actually cycle, so she was originally diagnosed with Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (although, I was not told this until Wednesday). This is where they will have massive outbursts and be relatively irritable in between. When I talked to the psychiatrist & counselor, I was very confused. My daughter doesn't have any irritability in between outbursts. She is my pit bull. She is super sweet until something doesn't go her way, or her territory (family, friends, etc) is stepped on. Then she goes into attack mode. I also discovered that she was never diagnosed with ADHD, but they put her on ADHD meds and told ME that she was ADHD.

After a very long interview for her end of the year SED review, we discovered that she hasn't dropped enough points on the CAFAS (Children & Adult Functionality Aptitude Scale) to have the state comfortable with her ending case management. We talked about all the stuff we are still battling with and then we were asked a series of questions to figure out what my daughter is REALLY battling. We took everything off the table, all the diagnoses and started fresh. After listening to many of the things my Lil' Pit Bull was saying, we felt comfortable changing the OCD to severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Her inability to focus and forgetfulness is the only part of ADHD she battled from and with OCD, it is only organization that leads to anxiety attacks. The counselor (and I agree) that these are anxiety triggers ... not an actual diagnosis.

However, there were other questions that were asked and I told the counselor that I just assumed that my daughter was battling normal teenage issues. I was informed that she was ... but she was at a much higher and dangerous level. Especially with some of the answers that my daughter provided (confidentiality agreement). She was given the diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Here's what the Mayo Clinic has to say on their site about it (highlighting what we deal with):

"Angry and irritable mood:

Often loses temper
Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
Is often angry and resentful

Argumentative and defiant behavior:

Often argues with adults or people in authority
Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
Often deliberately annoys people
Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Vindictiveness:

Is often spiteful or vindictive
Has shown spiteful or vindictive behavior at least twice in the past six months

These behaviors must be displayed more often than is typical for your child's peers. Causes significant problems at work, school or home. Occurs on its own, rather than as part of the course of another mental health problem, such as a substance use disorder, depression or bipolar disorder. Lasts at least six months

ODD can vary in severity:

Mild. Symptoms occur only in one setting, such as only at home, school, work or with peers.
Moderate. Some symptoms occur in at least two settings.
Severe. Some symptoms occur in three or more settings.
For some children, symptoms may first be seen only at home, but with time extend to other settings, such as school and with friends."

Here's the problem ... I now have a diagnosis that says my daughter is battling something and behaving a way that is unacceptable ... we know why ... but now how to fix it. The struggle is real. I have a child that has the ability to conquer the world. The ability to take her passion and just see things through. But I have to figure out how to harness that passion ... that drive ... that willpower ... and help her make correct decisions when everything in her body is telling her to go the other way. I am joining support groups, but I am not going to lie. I am drained emotionally. This blog is going to be where I come to seek guidance and to get feelings out. I know that my children have the ability to read this blog and to see exactly how I feel. I also know that they know I love them to the end of the earth ... but I don't like the demons inside them. I don't like the fact that they battle things that I cannot fix. I HATE the thoughts inside my head that tell me I messed up as a parent and did this to them. While I know that it isn't the case, that these things just happen ... it is hard to get that rational thought through all of the irrational thoughts going on.

So, feel free to leave comments and suggestions. I will continue to come and write and unleash. If not for anyone else's benefit, for mine.