So, what do I mean I went into the Twilight Zone?
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| Source: By SunOfErat (Own work) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons |
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2016
Trip to the Twilight Zone
Sometime overnight between Friday and Saturday, I took a trip into the Twilight Zone. It lasted until this evening, but I know I was awake because I attended some terrific sessions with Wordcamp KC. It felt like an parallel universe ... and it was awesome!
So, what do I mean I went into the Twilight Zone?
So, what do I mean I went into the Twilight Zone?
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Made it through May!
May was the month of all craziness. I wasn't 100% sure how well I would be able to take to the pressure. My husband says I didn't do too great as I was a giant ball of stress. But I made it through. In fact, we all made it through in one piece! So, what all took place in May and why haven't I really posted? Let's take a glance!
May 4 - Monkey's Graduation
We kicked off the month of celebrations and graduations with my 5 year old officially graduating out of preschool. She started preschool two years ago when she was 3 because she struggled heavily in social environments. She still struggles but it's not nearly as bad, nor as often. We have gotten her to speak up in class, take part in group activities, and even show off what she knows. We are excited that she has finished this chapter with flying colors and preparing to start Kindergarten this fall.
Friday, April 29, 2016
When every day is a struggle
I am not going to beat around the bush here, life with four children living in your home, going to school full time, and having a husband who has a full time job AND part time job makes life a struggle. Some days it is extremely easy to be upbeat and constantly moving. Then other days you have to remember that you have to redefine your normal and be okay with that.
So, I had this grand plan to write each day that dealt with a letter to cover the autism spectrum. April didn't really work that way with me. I am still planning on writing them, but it will not be the way I wanted. I am coming to terms with that. That is part of me redefining what is normal for me. What I need to be okay with. It doesn't come easy though, because I hate having plans and great ideas but not being able to see them through.
What does it mean to redefine your normal and handle when each day seems to be a struggle?
So, I had this grand plan to write each day that dealt with a letter to cover the autism spectrum. April didn't really work that way with me. I am still planning on writing them, but it will not be the way I wanted. I am coming to terms with that. That is part of me redefining what is normal for me. What I need to be okay with. It doesn't come easy though, because I hate having plans and great ideas but not being able to see them through.
What does it mean to redefine your normal and handle when each day seems to be a struggle?
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Been a trial
The past few months ... actually years ... have been a lesson in weathering trials. As I have stated before, I suffer from anxiety and battled postpartum depression. I was misdiagnosed with bi-polar, but my therapist discovered that it isn't bi-polar, it is simply massive anxiety attacks that I was having.
Unfortunately, my children have had to feel the brunt of my quirks until I learned how to handle them and get the help I needed. Now that I have though, our family is beginning to operate like a normal family. We are finally to the point where we are surrounding ourselves only with people who will continue to lift us up and propel us to the successful future that we know we have in store. Thanks to this, we have seen MASSIVE success in our family. I want to share a little with that now since I have not been online lately.
Unfortunately, my children have had to feel the brunt of my quirks until I learned how to handle them and get the help I needed. Now that I have though, our family is beginning to operate like a normal family. We are finally to the point where we are surrounding ourselves only with people who will continue to lift us up and propel us to the successful future that we know we have in store. Thanks to this, we have seen MASSIVE success in our family. I want to share a little with that now since I have not been online lately.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Fun for some ... hell for others
Halloween used to be my all time FAVORITE holiday. I absolutely loved getting dressed up and going to parties. Then after having kids, I fell in love all over again. Getting them all dressed up and watching them go door to door in pure excitement.
However ... Halloween became the holiday I dreaded. I dread most holidays. It is completely shake up of the routine, schools usually have shortened weeks, there is travel involved ... change in diet ... yeah, it's just a complete mess. Peanut has always done well with Halloween. She is my social butterfly. Bullfrog does great with the trick-or-treating, but put him into a closed room for a dinner or party ... you often have a mess on your hands. Monkey THRIVES on Halloween. While she's not exactly a social butterfly ... she is a seeker. She loves dressing up, loves going door to door, loves the games, loves touching ... stuff. Halloween is a great time for her. Thankfully, she and Bullfrog are super tight, so they usually stick together making Halloween fun for him!
Now, enter my Turtle. Turtle is my neurotypical child ... but she definitely has her limits. We are starting to notice that she is a HUGE avoider. She prefers things to be quiet and peaceful. She is a dare devil, but does not care for large groups of noisiness. She was a complete MESS during Halloween. We went to a Halloween party at my college, and she found a quiet area and stayed put. She was so stressed that she wouldn't even eat her pizza. The next day, during trick or treating time, she HATED it ... until we found a street that was completely lit up and I pushed her in the stroller. That stroller was her safety spot. Once we got all that figured out ... she never wanted it to end. She was a riot most of the day because ... well ... candy!
What was my kids favorite part though? Definitely me dressing up as Minnie Mouse this year.
So, how do you celebrate the holidays when you have special needs children? Let me know in the comments below!
However ... Halloween became the holiday I dreaded. I dread most holidays. It is completely shake up of the routine, schools usually have shortened weeks, there is travel involved ... change in diet ... yeah, it's just a complete mess. Peanut has always done well with Halloween. She is my social butterfly. Bullfrog does great with the trick-or-treating, but put him into a closed room for a dinner or party ... you often have a mess on your hands. Monkey THRIVES on Halloween. While she's not exactly a social butterfly ... she is a seeker. She loves dressing up, loves going door to door, loves the games, loves touching ... stuff. Halloween is a great time for her. Thankfully, she and Bullfrog are super tight, so they usually stick together making Halloween fun for him!
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| Goth Unicorn |
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| SuperGirl |
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| Zombie ... in the beginning stages after a bite, I think |
What was my kids favorite part though? Definitely me dressing up as Minnie Mouse this year.
So, how do you celebrate the holidays when you have special needs children? Let me know in the comments below!
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Struggling with the desire to be social, but fighting social anxiety
One of the biggest things I struggle with is anxiety ... especially social anxiety. It has gotten worse since the kids were taken and returned. Every time I leave the house now, I feel everyone is looking at me, judging me, talking about me, etc. It is AWFUL. I constantly fear making the wrong decision and I just cannot get comfortable. This is whether my children are with me or not. I sought professional help and was put on Prozac. They have upped my dose and I have begun to at least venture out more than I used to.
This is great since I am really working on furthering my career and need to be able to be out in the public. One of my favorite conferences to attend is the Type-A Conference and this year it was held in Atlanta (again). I have to admit, my anxiety attacks were major during the conference. I'm sure that part of it was because my children were going to be in a wedding. I was more of a mess knowing that they have special needs and I wasn't there. However, I ALSO knew that my husband knew how to handle the needs. My older sister, my mom, and the groom also stepped in when Bullfrog and Monkey were beginning to be overwhelmed. Being miles away isn't easy, but they were beautiful and the wedding photographer has posted several of the pictures on her Facebook page.
This is great since I am really working on furthering my career and need to be able to be out in the public. One of my favorite conferences to attend is the Type-A Conference and this year it was held in Atlanta (again). I have to admit, my anxiety attacks were major during the conference. I'm sure that part of it was because my children were going to be in a wedding. I was more of a mess knowing that they have special needs and I wasn't there. However, I ALSO knew that my husband knew how to handle the needs. My older sister, my mom, and the groom also stepped in when Bullfrog and Monkey were beginning to be overwhelmed. Being miles away isn't easy, but they were beautiful and the wedding photographer has posted several of the pictures on her Facebook page.
Okay, so if I get so stressed, why do I put myself through it? What does Type-A offer that is so inviting? I mean, they do offer GREAT food from awesome brands ...
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| BeechNut never ceases to amaze me on the way they use their food. |
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| Jones Dairy Farm BLEW ME AWAY with their breakfast. Holy Nom! |
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| Parties are ALWAYS top notch ... especially the Disney Parks Party. |
There are always fantastic views from the skies and the swag ain't bad either ...
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| My beautiful city at 11pm .. all lit up |
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| I'm having to fight my kids for my Disney Parks pen. In love! |
They even have celebrities come in for great lunch talks!
However ... what REALLY draws me to Type-A Conference every year (in fact, already registered to attend Type-A West in Santa Fe) is the people These people GET me. It's like Kelby KNOWS what I need to hear ... every. single. year. We had talks on Facebook Ads, growing your numbers, knowing what to charge for posts, and so forth. However ... we ALSO had sessions for developing your own site, how to attract viewers, how to create your own start-up company, and even how to use mastermind groups. I used my LiveScribe Pen to write notes and record every conference session I attended. I got to visit with friends and relax in my quiet room when I needed space.
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| Digital and traditional note taking going on! |
I STILL need to go through all of my notes and recordings to take really good notes from them that I can always look back on. For now, I'll leave you with a few of the photos I took during the conference.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Been a while ... I know.
It has been forever since I have put up a post. I guarantee it is not for the lack of desire. I have been doing freelance writing for so long now that when I sit at my computer, I cannot get creative. I am not able to create blog posts or work on my novel. Now that I have made that connection, I write by hand first. Hopefully, this will mean more posts will be put up.
Let me try to play a little catch up. However, I do have several posts that are planned for after this one so this is going to skim the top. We have been struggling with two of my four children who have special needs and are nearing puberty. This past spring, we decided to wave the white flag and get professional help from the State of Kansas in the form of Case Management. We had to apply for a SED waiver to get the state healthcare. Yes, we DO have personal health insurance. However, our insurance does not cover case management ... at all. We are extremely grateful that our kids qualified for KanCare so they could receive the services they needed.
Adella is battling ADHD and OCD. We were making huge progress over the summer and now we are almost right back to where we were before. I'm struggling as a parent because I see the medicine she is on really does help with keeping her focused and on task. However, we are noticing that she has fallen into a cycle of two great days, followed by 36 hours of hell. This "hell" consists of refusing to accept responsibility for her actions, extreme snarkiness, extreme disrespect for others, and so on. It's almost like she has an anxiety attack every two days over something ... even if there is nothing to trigger it!
It has gotten to the point where we are back to scratching our head and brainstorming. If anyone has any ideas, please let us know in the comments below. We are struggling with the defensiveness, disregard for other people, and refusal to take responsibility. It's almost like she is a possessive dog, who goes absolutely guanopsychotic when someone nears her space, but then is the cutest creature the rest of the time.
On the other hand, my son is doing loads better. He is headed to KU in just a few weeks to start the screening process for an Asperger diagnosis, but we have already started treating it as such at home. We were dealing with extremely volatile meltdowns at home and school. As our case manager worked with Bullfrog and an emotional therapy animal entered the home, he started doing better at home. We still have meltdowns, but he is getting better at sensing them and going to his room to begin the calm down plan. However, school was still a major problem. Thankfully, we sent the case manager there to start getting everyone on the same page because I felt they were not listening to me. We are finally seeing progress there, slow but definite progress. He is pushing himself in the social area and then working with his therapist when he begins to falter.
Anyway, that is the slimmed down update. I believe our family has come a long way, especially since we started looking at this as a family solution instead of pointing fingers at who was doing things wrong.
Let me try to play a little catch up. However, I do have several posts that are planned for after this one so this is going to skim the top. We have been struggling with two of my four children who have special needs and are nearing puberty. This past spring, we decided to wave the white flag and get professional help from the State of Kansas in the form of Case Management. We had to apply for a SED waiver to get the state healthcare. Yes, we DO have personal health insurance. However, our insurance does not cover case management ... at all. We are extremely grateful that our kids qualified for KanCare so they could receive the services they needed.
Adella is battling ADHD and OCD. We were making huge progress over the summer and now we are almost right back to where we were before. I'm struggling as a parent because I see the medicine she is on really does help with keeping her focused and on task. However, we are noticing that she has fallen into a cycle of two great days, followed by 36 hours of hell. This "hell" consists of refusing to accept responsibility for her actions, extreme snarkiness, extreme disrespect for others, and so on. It's almost like she has an anxiety attack every two days over something ... even if there is nothing to trigger it!
It has gotten to the point where we are back to scratching our head and brainstorming. If anyone has any ideas, please let us know in the comments below. We are struggling with the defensiveness, disregard for other people, and refusal to take responsibility. It's almost like she is a possessive dog, who goes absolutely guanopsychotic when someone nears her space, but then is the cutest creature the rest of the time.
On the other hand, my son is doing loads better. He is headed to KU in just a few weeks to start the screening process for an Asperger diagnosis, but we have already started treating it as such at home. We were dealing with extremely volatile meltdowns at home and school. As our case manager worked with Bullfrog and an emotional therapy animal entered the home, he started doing better at home. We still have meltdowns, but he is getting better at sensing them and going to his room to begin the calm down plan. However, school was still a major problem. Thankfully, we sent the case manager there to start getting everyone on the same page because I felt they were not listening to me. We are finally seeing progress there, slow but definite progress. He is pushing himself in the social area and then working with his therapist when he begins to falter.
Anyway, that is the slimmed down update. I believe our family has come a long way, especially since we started looking at this as a family solution instead of pointing fingers at who was doing things wrong.
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| Jackie, our emotional therapy animal. She's a rat terrier who is between 5 and 6 years old. |
Sunday, August 23, 2015
First week of school
Wow, well, I was seriously hoping that I would have the ability to blog during the week even with going to school. However, the anxiety of school has been wearing on everyone in the family. That means that I have to deal with my anxiety, as well as handle the meltdowns of the children who are adjusting as well. It has just been a mess. I am hoping that after a few weeks, things will become easier.
While this was my first week back to school, it wasn't for my children. Bullfrog is having a real hard time adjusting to school and we are trying to get everyone on board. Hopefully next week we will have an evaluation process started for an IEP because he ended up in the recovery room and the principals office this past week. Monkey is doing well at school, but is struggling to adapt to not having downtime in the morning. She now goes to daycare when I go to class. Even though it is only for a couple hours, this has been a huge shakeup. We have dealt with severe mood swings, exhaustion, and potty accidents. I'm hoping it all levels out real soon!
Turtle on the other hand is in another world. She is SO excited about getting to go to "school" in the morning that she could care less about the rest of the world. We didn't expect anything less from her.
So, other than school starting this week, what have we been blessed with? The KC Air Show. They have been in town since Thursday and are at the airport that is 10 minutes from my house. The following pictures were taken with my Samsung Galaxy S5 and from the comfort of my shaded lawn. I missed the best picture because I was mesmerized with the fact I could actually SEE the pilots when they flew in formation over our apartment!
While this was my first week back to school, it wasn't for my children. Bullfrog is having a real hard time adjusting to school and we are trying to get everyone on board. Hopefully next week we will have an evaluation process started for an IEP because he ended up in the recovery room and the principals office this past week. Monkey is doing well at school, but is struggling to adapt to not having downtime in the morning. She now goes to daycare when I go to class. Even though it is only for a couple hours, this has been a huge shakeup. We have dealt with severe mood swings, exhaustion, and potty accidents. I'm hoping it all levels out real soon!
Turtle on the other hand is in another world. She is SO excited about getting to go to "school" in the morning that she could care less about the rest of the world. We didn't expect anything less from her.
So, other than school starting this week, what have we been blessed with? The KC Air Show. They have been in town since Thursday and are at the airport that is 10 minutes from my house. The following pictures were taken with my Samsung Galaxy S5 and from the comfort of my shaded lawn. I missed the best picture because I was mesmerized with the fact I could actually SEE the pilots when they flew in formation over our apartment!
Friday, August 14, 2015
Rough days mean extra comfort
I knew this week was going to be rough. I just didn't have any idea of how rough. My eldest has continued with her struggles with ADHD and it is now beginning to affect her in school. She has HUGE plans, so this just wasn't going to do. My son found out last week that his teacher was going to be pushing group work, so he already knew that his anxiety was going to be taxed. My little Monkey also knew that she would have a different teacher, but didn't realize it would be in another area of the school and she would have a different bus all together.
What this led to was meltdowns ... from ALL of my children. Thankfully, they were all meltdowns that extra squeezes from mom (or a little rocking) helped care for. Their sensory banks were just completely empty by the end of the week.
Peanut went in to see her psychiatrist this week and we all agreed that medication would be necessary. She has done GREAT with behavior modification for her defiance and OCD coping skills. She still has some room to grow, but she is doing SO much better. However, she has two phobias that she just cannot get over. The first is Trypanophobia, or the fear of needles. Normally, this is only a situation when we go in for vaccines. HOWEVER, this week she was informed she would have to have a blood draw and an EKG done to make sure she was completely healthy and ready for the stimulants.
Yup ... she melted down when the needle was present. I held her the WHOLE time and wiped her tears. We made sure she was completely calm before she went in for the EKG, and that nurse made her day by giving her suckers. I don't care if she is 12 years old ... snuggling with mom and getting a sucker after being poked and prodded is always comforting.
What this led to was meltdowns ... from ALL of my children. Thankfully, they were all meltdowns that extra squeezes from mom (or a little rocking) helped care for. Their sensory banks were just completely empty by the end of the week.
Peanut went in to see her psychiatrist this week and we all agreed that medication would be necessary. She has done GREAT with behavior modification for her defiance and OCD coping skills. She still has some room to grow, but she is doing SO much better. However, she has two phobias that she just cannot get over. The first is Trypanophobia, or the fear of needles. Normally, this is only a situation when we go in for vaccines. HOWEVER, this week she was informed she would have to have a blood draw and an EKG done to make sure she was completely healthy and ready for the stimulants.
Yup ... she melted down when the needle was present. I held her the WHOLE time and wiped her tears. We made sure she was completely calm before she went in for the EKG, and that nurse made her day by giving her suckers. I don't care if she is 12 years old ... snuggling with mom and getting a sucker after being poked and prodded is always comforting.
Now, Bullfrog on the other hand, he forgot his lunch on Wednesday. He had been taxed all week with the new surroundings, rules, and teacher. When he realized he forgot his lunch, he had convinced himself that he couldn't eat the school lunch because he had no money on his card and that I wouldn't bring him a lunch. Both were false, but he still took himself to the Recovery Room to wait for me while his class was in the lunch room. I gave him a few squeezes and filled his sensory bank just enough for him to make it through the rest of the day (which was good since his teacher had them do group math work).
Monkey ... poor girl, she is still trying to cope. She had a new teacher, a new classroom layout, new bus, new bus driver, and then next week she will start daycare in the morning. She has been trying so hard to keep it together during school that she just collapses when she gets home. Last night was really rough and she woke from dead sleep needing mom. She needed more hugs and rocking tonight. We will see if she can make it through the night or not.
How did the first week going for you guys? Or, have your kids not started yet?
Monday, August 3, 2015
What is living in acronym hell?
So, I thought it would be best to start a new personal blog, and leave my Redbird Empire blog to be more about business related topics. While I absolutely love talking about my kids and my life, it is hard to separate that from coding, electronics, technology, social media, and everything else that Redbird Empire is about. It only made sense to start a blog that was my personal life. I thought for a long time about what to call my personal blog, because there are so many cool names out there.
However, after the past few years of being diagnosed and treated for PPD, having suffered from PTSD, having a psychiatrist tell me that I have ADD (in addition to bi-polar and OCD), then being told I DIDN'T have bi-polar ... but rather GAD & OCD. I started to wonder how much more of the alphabet could be shoved into my life. You know what, never wonder these things! My eldest daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD & OCD. She talks about her life on her blog at Marvel-ously Talented. My son has been diagnosed with extreme anxiety, and possibly Asperger's (pending more testing). Oh, and he has SPD. My second daughter, who is four, has been diagnosed with SPD, which is now classified as a manifestation of ASD.
What in tarnation am I talking about? For those who do know, you are probably crying along with me. But for those who are just visiting my site because you know me from Redbird Empire, let me define.
- PPD - Post-Partum Depression
- ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder
- PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
- OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- GAD - General Anxiety Disorder
- ADHD - Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder
- SPD - Sensory Processing Disorder
- ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder
My goal with my new site is to show you what life is like in my house. However, maybe more importantly, it is to give me a place to talk about what I go through and feel a way to breathe. Maybe someone who has already gone through the same things would love to give insight for me. Maybe someone else is feeling so overwhelmed and they do not know which way to turn. I am not deleting my past blog posts at Redbird Empire. You can still find them. I will edit this post after I get the finalized location set. I plan on making them accessible through a link so they do not distract from my budding business.
I hope this site continues to grow and become a place where I can feel that it is no longer hell ... but just normal life. Parenting is hard. Parenting with severe anxiety is extremely hard. I just want one day for it to feel "normal."
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Toddlers & a Dress Fitting
There are times when I hear an idea and my mind is like ... no ... just ... no. When my mother mentioned that I should bring the toddlers to my eldest daughter's dress fitting, I snorted. You have GOT to be kidding me. Can you imagine a two and a four-year-old ... in a bridal shop? What could possibly go wrong (right)?
If you see the picture above, you will notice in her hands a wonderful little piece of electronics. My husband and I decided that if we were taking the girls into a dress shop, we were going prepared. We brought both of their tablets, fully charged, and tethered them to my WiFi. Monkey actually was extremely well behaved. She sat for quite a while on the tablet, and then walked around and looked at dresses (as seen above). Turtle, on the other hand ... well, let's just say there was a TON of mirrors and TWO stages. The tablet had NOTHING on the entertainment she could provide for herself.
My wonderful husband, who was really struggling with how grown up our oldest daughter looks in a dress, kept the younger two corralled while I dealt with the dress fitting.
I sent an email to my mother and sister at the beginning of the week, letting them know that Peanut was no longer a Peanut and already creeping into women's clothing. She is now in a size 16 girl's for some things, but can also easily fit a size zero dress or size four pant in women! She was in size 12/14 in December! This is CRAZY. *note - very thankful for friends, as one of them just gave us an entire wardrobe for her*
Anyway, we get to the fitting, and they start her out in a size 12 .. mainly because the 14 in the style was not available on the rack. They were doing a whole bunch of talking, so I moseyed on over there to make SURE they were well aware that there was NO way she was going to fit into that in October, and they weren't going to be able to "let it out" enough. The dress fitter grabbed a size 16, and other than length and a few issues in the bust; she fit in it REAL nicely. Taking a dress in is SO much easier than letting one out ... and she was going to need any dress hemmed ... cause she's still short. *another note - the measurements were done AFTER the initial dress was tried on and I was right ... she's a size 16*
Then we got the bad news ... which caused stress to enter the bridal shop. This dress would not come in until the DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING. Pffft. Yeah, and it would still need to go through alterations ...
Bride went off to check on our dad, who was at the men's wear store next door. Our mom and I were chatting with different fitters trying to figure out a different solution. While Peanut has the day off of school, 24 hours is just NOT okay in our books for dresses coming in. My mother started asking about women's dresses ... prices, styles, when they would come in, etc.
THANKFULLY, we found one that works. It is a size zero (again, I was dead on) AND it will come in by the end of July. *whew* It is gorgeous. There is part of the dress that my mom and sister will remove since it doesn't go with the style the bride wants (and I agree with them whole-heartedly), but it is an easy alteration.
Again, it will need to be taken in a few locations, and definitely hemmed up, but it looks gorgeous. It is a GREAT price, AND it is casual enough that she can wear it to other things after the wedding ... which TOTALLY rocks.
My son also discovered you NEVER want to stand too close to the bride when she is shopping ... or you will end up getting prodded as well.
The wedding is going to be beautiful, and I'm sad I won't be there ... but at least I got to take part in a small section of the planning.
By the way ... we totally used lunch as a bribe to keep the girls occupied through the fitting ...
If you see the picture above, you will notice in her hands a wonderful little piece of electronics. My husband and I decided that if we were taking the girls into a dress shop, we were going prepared. We brought both of their tablets, fully charged, and tethered them to my WiFi. Monkey actually was extremely well behaved. She sat for quite a while on the tablet, and then walked around and looked at dresses (as seen above). Turtle, on the other hand ... well, let's just say there was a TON of mirrors and TWO stages. The tablet had NOTHING on the entertainment she could provide for herself.
My wonderful husband, who was really struggling with how grown up our oldest daughter looks in a dress, kept the younger two corralled while I dealt with the dress fitting.
I sent an email to my mother and sister at the beginning of the week, letting them know that Peanut was no longer a Peanut and already creeping into women's clothing. She is now in a size 16 girl's for some things, but can also easily fit a size zero dress or size four pant in women! She was in size 12/14 in December! This is CRAZY. *note - very thankful for friends, as one of them just gave us an entire wardrobe for her*
Anyway, we get to the fitting, and they start her out in a size 12 .. mainly because the 14 in the style was not available on the rack. They were doing a whole bunch of talking, so I moseyed on over there to make SURE they were well aware that there was NO way she was going to fit into that in October, and they weren't going to be able to "let it out" enough. The dress fitter grabbed a size 16, and other than length and a few issues in the bust; she fit in it REAL nicely. Taking a dress in is SO much easier than letting one out ... and she was going to need any dress hemmed ... cause she's still short. *another note - the measurements were done AFTER the initial dress was tried on and I was right ... she's a size 16*
Then we got the bad news ... which caused stress to enter the bridal shop. This dress would not come in until the DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING. Pffft. Yeah, and it would still need to go through alterations ...
Bride went off to check on our dad, who was at the men's wear store next door. Our mom and I were chatting with different fitters trying to figure out a different solution. While Peanut has the day off of school, 24 hours is just NOT okay in our books for dresses coming in. My mother started asking about women's dresses ... prices, styles, when they would come in, etc.
THANKFULLY, we found one that works. It is a size zero (again, I was dead on) AND it will come in by the end of July. *whew* It is gorgeous. There is part of the dress that my mom and sister will remove since it doesn't go with the style the bride wants (and I agree with them whole-heartedly), but it is an easy alteration.
Again, it will need to be taken in a few locations, and definitely hemmed up, but it looks gorgeous. It is a GREAT price, AND it is casual enough that she can wear it to other things after the wedding ... which TOTALLY rocks.
My son also discovered you NEVER want to stand too close to the bride when she is shopping ... or you will end up getting prodded as well.
The wedding is going to be beautiful, and I'm sad I won't be there ... but at least I got to take part in a small section of the planning.
By the way ... we totally used lunch as a bribe to keep the girls occupied through the fitting ...
If you can make it a few minutes longer, we'll be going to lunch soon. I promise!!
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Keeping my anxiety at bay
For those who are just tuning in, I have been battling anxiety for a few years and some days are worse than others. Well, I know that I have serious issues with the anxiety and it is easy for me to stay at home. I prefer it. However, I am a mother of four children. Children do NOT like staying at home. Worse yet, my life is hell if I attempt to keep them in the house to keep my mental life in check. Another big strike, everything that I want to do hinges on my ability to make it TO my classes this fall.
I decided to start a routine that keeps the kids on a schedule for school, but also FORCES me to get out of the house and into environments that will test my anxiety. I have discovered this week that I definitely need to go back and talk to my psychiatrist. While I have been photographing my children participating in summer meals and the summer reading program, I have been battling anxiety attacks. My heart races, my head pounds, and by mid-afternoon, I'm wiped. I have very little patience with my children when we are out and about, so I know my medications will need to be adjusted. However, that is why I am doing this schedule. I can't determine what works for me if I don't subject myself to the stresses.
Enter this weekend.
This weekend is going to be all for me and my blog. I have been working like a mad woman for 2 weeks so that I could take three WHOLE DAYS off and devote it to my business. Yup, THREE DAYS! I am so excited I can hardly think. Except, I also know that I am going to be stressing at the same time. Why? Well, because I am attending a conference. I am going to WordCamp KC on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I am attending the wrap-up party on Sunday, but I am not doing the other two.
I will be posting blogs as I can in the evening, BUT I am also doing the Biannual Blogathon!
What I am not excited about is the anxiety I know I will feel while I am doing all of this. I ask for patience as I battle with my mental health and create a blog. My dream is to be a front-end developer and social media marketer who can help with websites & mobile apps for bloggers/entrepreneurs. I haven't really said it out loud ... my dreams. I am going to have to change that because saying them makes me all sorts of anxious. Almost like I feel like I'm not capable of doing it.
What are things you do to help keep your anxiety at bay while you pursue your dreams? Have you ever struggled with dreaming something huge, but feeling that your mental health is holding you back? How do you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below!
I decided to start a routine that keeps the kids on a schedule for school, but also FORCES me to get out of the house and into environments that will test my anxiety. I have discovered this week that I definitely need to go back and talk to my psychiatrist. While I have been photographing my children participating in summer meals and the summer reading program, I have been battling anxiety attacks. My heart races, my head pounds, and by mid-afternoon, I'm wiped. I have very little patience with my children when we are out and about, so I know my medications will need to be adjusted. However, that is why I am doing this schedule. I can't determine what works for me if I don't subject myself to the stresses.
Enter this weekend.
This weekend is going to be all for me and my blog. I have been working like a mad woman for 2 weeks so that I could take three WHOLE DAYS off and devote it to my business. Yup, THREE DAYS! I am so excited I can hardly think. Except, I also know that I am going to be stressing at the same time. Why? Well, because I am attending a conference. I am going to WordCamp KC on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I am attending the wrap-up party on Sunday, but I am not doing the other two.
I will be posting blogs as I can in the evening, BUT I am also doing the Biannual Blogathon!
What I am not excited about is the anxiety I know I will feel while I am doing all of this. I ask for patience as I battle with my mental health and create a blog. My dream is to be a front-end developer and social media marketer who can help with websites & mobile apps for bloggers/entrepreneurs. I haven't really said it out loud ... my dreams. I am going to have to change that because saying them makes me all sorts of anxious. Almost like I feel like I'm not capable of doing it.
What are things you do to help keep your anxiety at bay while you pursue your dreams? Have you ever struggled with dreaming something huge, but feeling that your mental health is holding you back? How do you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
That Moment When You Learn You've Been Misdiagnosed
I battled on going back to my psychiatrist for a couple months now ... however, I knew that my OCD was getting worse. I was constantly battling with myself about how things needed to line up, be in specific place, feeling overwhelmed because things WEREN'T where they should be. I knew I needed to go back, but I also knew that I had been off my bi-polar meds for a few months and really didn't want to have the "talk" with my psychiatrist ... which, really, is funny since I LOVE who I go to now.
Well, I decided to bite the bullet yesterday and walk over to make the appointment since I was there anyway (my daughter's psychiatrist is right next door). I was able to get in to see my doctor the very next day (today). Course, that gave me no time to try to back out of the appointment. See ... I know myself well enough to know that if I give myself enough time to back out of something, I will. But I also know that with enrolling in school, I needed to get in and get things taken care of.
She called me back and immediately asked if I was okay (cause she hadn't seen me since October). I told her that for the most part, I was doing great. However, I wanted to chat about my diagnosis and some questions that I had. She smiled and looked at me ... then she said, "let's chat, cause I have had a lot of question marks on my file for you."
My guard went down immediately and I started to tell her about how I felt and the questions I had with the bi-polar diagnosis, especially with the stuff I have been filling out for my children. I talked to her about how I felt like I really never have had the swings that people talk about and I felt that I was never listened to. She sat and asked me questions based on the flags that had been raised to dive deeper into them. Then she added:
"I have had problems with your bipolar diagnosis since you came in and let me tell you why. 1) You have never had swings that last for days/weeks/months. 2) You have never had feelings of grandiosity. 3) You've never been suicidal or self-harmed. 4) You have never been prescribed a high enough dose of bipolar meds to make me feel like you every had bipolar. Your prescription strength has been the same since you were diagnosed. I know, I pulled the records."
I wasn't really sure what to say. Honestly. I immediately had questions on if bipolar can go into remission. Maybe I had it once and then after babies it went away. I mean, that is a pretty heavy diagnosis ... right?
That's when I learned that many psychiatrists don't fully understand bipolar, just like they don't fully understand Autism. They are very hard to diagnose and things are thrown around. It is easy to look for a few key red flags and slap the diagnosis on there. What she thinks happened is my psychiatrist at the university took the mood questionnaire and had me check yes or no. While that is a great start, it should lead to further questions and further investigation. Unfortunately, many times, doctors will count the check marks and make a decision. Then you are stuck with a label.
I am NOT denying that I have issues. I know I do. I have anger management issues. I have issues with sounds and textures. I have issues with OCD. I have issues with not bouncing around with my ideas ... mainly because I am good in MANY areas. It makes it HARD to settle down in one area. Does that mean I have ADD? Possibly. However, it is not severe enough to hinder my abilities in life. It is not making life hard to live or preventing me from doing things. It has been put down as a mild case, but since I am able to follow through, I am not going to worry about it .. .neither is my psychiatrist. Does this mean I have SPD? No. Everyone has things they avoid. I know what textures and sounds I dislike and I avoid them. I will talk to a therapist if necessary to learn how to cope with them.
So ... what is my diagnosis if I am not bi-polar?
I have OCD. My OCD causes me to have anxiety and my sensory issues can cause that anxiety to heighten ... causing my OCD to worsen. BUT ... I just have OCD as a diagnosis. I'm being taken off of ALL my bi-polar meds and it has been deleted from my file. They are upping my Prozac and I will go back to the doctor in a few weeks to see if we need to add therapy to the medication. If I do therapy, it will be in the form of Cognitive Behavior ... or Exposure & Response. Basically, I will learn how to train my body to NOT go into fight or flight mode when exposed to triggers.
May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. I have spent the last few weeks working on helping my children get the help they need to become better people. I realized that I needed to also fight for myself. Know that you are not alone. We need to get over the stigma of talking about mental health. Not only am I okay with knowing that I have a need for a psychiatrist in my life ... I am becoming okay with knowing that I am a parent with mental health issues. I NEED to be open and honest with myself. I need to not feel guilty (although I do, daily) for the issues that my children struggle with. I am not alone in the struggle to parent with inside battles. I am also not alone in parenting children who struggle with inner battles. Let this be one of the many times that I state ... if you have questions about mental health or you feel like you are struggling ... reach out to me. A label is nothing more than that ... a label. It is what you do with that label that is who you are.
Well, I decided to bite the bullet yesterday and walk over to make the appointment since I was there anyway (my daughter's psychiatrist is right next door). I was able to get in to see my doctor the very next day (today). Course, that gave me no time to try to back out of the appointment. See ... I know myself well enough to know that if I give myself enough time to back out of something, I will. But I also know that with enrolling in school, I needed to get in and get things taken care of.
She called me back and immediately asked if I was okay (cause she hadn't seen me since October). I told her that for the most part, I was doing great. However, I wanted to chat about my diagnosis and some questions that I had. She smiled and looked at me ... then she said, "let's chat, cause I have had a lot of question marks on my file for you."
My guard went down immediately and I started to tell her about how I felt and the questions I had with the bi-polar diagnosis, especially with the stuff I have been filling out for my children. I talked to her about how I felt like I really never have had the swings that people talk about and I felt that I was never listened to. She sat and asked me questions based on the flags that had been raised to dive deeper into them. Then she added:
"I have had problems with your bipolar diagnosis since you came in and let me tell you why. 1) You have never had swings that last for days/weeks/months. 2) You have never had feelings of grandiosity. 3) You've never been suicidal or self-harmed. 4) You have never been prescribed a high enough dose of bipolar meds to make me feel like you every had bipolar. Your prescription strength has been the same since you were diagnosed. I know, I pulled the records."
I wasn't really sure what to say. Honestly. I immediately had questions on if bipolar can go into remission. Maybe I had it once and then after babies it went away. I mean, that is a pretty heavy diagnosis ... right?
That's when I learned that many psychiatrists don't fully understand bipolar, just like they don't fully understand Autism. They are very hard to diagnose and things are thrown around. It is easy to look for a few key red flags and slap the diagnosis on there. What she thinks happened is my psychiatrist at the university took the mood questionnaire and had me check yes or no. While that is a great start, it should lead to further questions and further investigation. Unfortunately, many times, doctors will count the check marks and make a decision. Then you are stuck with a label.
I am NOT denying that I have issues. I know I do. I have anger management issues. I have issues with sounds and textures. I have issues with OCD. I have issues with not bouncing around with my ideas ... mainly because I am good in MANY areas. It makes it HARD to settle down in one area. Does that mean I have ADD? Possibly. However, it is not severe enough to hinder my abilities in life. It is not making life hard to live or preventing me from doing things. It has been put down as a mild case, but since I am able to follow through, I am not going to worry about it .. .neither is my psychiatrist. Does this mean I have SPD? No. Everyone has things they avoid. I know what textures and sounds I dislike and I avoid them. I will talk to a therapist if necessary to learn how to cope with them.
So ... what is my diagnosis if I am not bi-polar?
I have OCD. My OCD causes me to have anxiety and my sensory issues can cause that anxiety to heighten ... causing my OCD to worsen. BUT ... I just have OCD as a diagnosis. I'm being taken off of ALL my bi-polar meds and it has been deleted from my file. They are upping my Prozac and I will go back to the doctor in a few weeks to see if we need to add therapy to the medication. If I do therapy, it will be in the form of Cognitive Behavior ... or Exposure & Response. Basically, I will learn how to train my body to NOT go into fight or flight mode when exposed to triggers.
May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. I have spent the last few weeks working on helping my children get the help they need to become better people. I realized that I needed to also fight for myself. Know that you are not alone. We need to get over the stigma of talking about mental health. Not only am I okay with knowing that I have a need for a psychiatrist in my life ... I am becoming okay with knowing that I am a parent with mental health issues. I NEED to be open and honest with myself. I need to not feel guilty (although I do, daily) for the issues that my children struggle with. I am not alone in the struggle to parent with inside battles. I am also not alone in parenting children who struggle with inner battles. Let this be one of the many times that I state ... if you have questions about mental health or you feel like you are struggling ... reach out to me. A label is nothing more than that ... a label. It is what you do with that label that is who you are.
*please note - I have no intention of going after the initial psychiatrists who diagnosed me with bipolar. It was 13 years ago. I am moving on.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Getting back into a routine after illness
One of the hardest things about being a mom is really having no time to be sick. There is no good time, but when sicknesses get the best of you, you have no choice but to make time. It's a fact. I posted my last update when I was feeling better after round one in the ER. Yup, round one.
Saturday was great for me. I was able to eat and drink again. I still had trouble eating some things as I had this huge swelling in the back of my throat, but I really thought the antibiotics had a chance to kick it. I was SO wrong. Some time overnight ... the pain meds and the steroid just no longer were hitting me full force. Or maybe the infection had just decided to remind me how horrible it really was. In any case, by 9:30pm on Sunday, I found myself BACK at KU's ER department. An IV was being put back in and another round of shots were being given. I got more morphine, steroids, and antibiotics. Then my ENT resident came back to visit with me. Same one that I had Saturday morning. We decided that draining was the next option.
My husband ... I felt so bad for him. I really could have grossed y'all out and decided to keep photographic evidence, but I was feeling awful. I told my husband no to all cameras. The doctor pulled 6 cc's of fluid out of my tonsils and Jeremy had to support me from the chair. It really was gross, I'm not even playing. I have NO idea how he was able to stay in the room. He says he feels like a wuss, but he was there holding my hand through the whole thing ... he's my superhero.
We were then told with how bad it was, they were keeping me overnight. I sent hubby home to relieve the babysitter and be there with the kids. There wasn't anything more he could do for me anyway. I finally got a room around 4:30am and passed out after they did their first round of vitals ... only to have the crap scared out of me 2 hours later when my nurse paid a visit. I was up the rest of the day. Visited by tons of residents, specialists, nurses, etc. I was given the all clear to go home by 1:30pm. I am able to eat and drink and there is only mild pain. However, I have been informed that if I get strep again, they are just taking my tonsils. It as really bad.
So ... my fever is completely gone and everything is returning to normal. However, I am just so exhausted and overwhelmed by everything and I am so behind. So ... how do you get your routine back and catch up when you have been SO sick? :(
Saturday was great for me. I was able to eat and drink again. I still had trouble eating some things as I had this huge swelling in the back of my throat, but I really thought the antibiotics had a chance to kick it. I was SO wrong. Some time overnight ... the pain meds and the steroid just no longer were hitting me full force. Or maybe the infection had just decided to remind me how horrible it really was. In any case, by 9:30pm on Sunday, I found myself BACK at KU's ER department. An IV was being put back in and another round of shots were being given. I got more morphine, steroids, and antibiotics. Then my ENT resident came back to visit with me. Same one that I had Saturday morning. We decided that draining was the next option.
My husband ... I felt so bad for him. I really could have grossed y'all out and decided to keep photographic evidence, but I was feeling awful. I told my husband no to all cameras. The doctor pulled 6 cc's of fluid out of my tonsils and Jeremy had to support me from the chair. It really was gross, I'm not even playing. I have NO idea how he was able to stay in the room. He says he feels like a wuss, but he was there holding my hand through the whole thing ... he's my superhero.
We were then told with how bad it was, they were keeping me overnight. I sent hubby home to relieve the babysitter and be there with the kids. There wasn't anything more he could do for me anyway. I finally got a room around 4:30am and passed out after they did their first round of vitals ... only to have the crap scared out of me 2 hours later when my nurse paid a visit. I was up the rest of the day. Visited by tons of residents, specialists, nurses, etc. I was given the all clear to go home by 1:30pm. I am able to eat and drink and there is only mild pain. However, I have been informed that if I get strep again, they are just taking my tonsils. It as really bad.
So ... my fever is completely gone and everything is returning to normal. However, I am just so exhausted and overwhelmed by everything and I am so behind. So ... how do you get your routine back and catch up when you have been SO sick? :(
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| University of Kansas Hospital - Kansas City, KS |
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