Bringing Awareness to a Dark Topic - Out of the Darkness

September is National Suicide Awareness Month. Most of us have heard that Robin Williams suffered from depression before he took his life in August of 2014. What people do not realize is the massive number of people who battle depression every day. It is not in the news, and it creeps in taking people by storm. Most of the time, people do not even realize it has hit because they expect very specific symptoms to be exhibited.

When I was informed that I might be suffering from post-partum depression, I really didn't believe it. I wasn't crying ALL the time, nor did I just not want to do anything. I was extremely irritable and I just gave up the fight in certain areas with my children. I just didn't have the energy to keep it up. I never felt suicidal, so it couldn't be that bad ... right?

I finally went to seek assistance, but was informed that post-partum depression doesn't last past your baby's first year. Therefore, I must just be battling with anxiety instead. It might possibly be my bi-polar flaring up, but it definitely wasn't depression. I gave in to that response and didn't push it.

Until my babies were taken from me in August of 2012. The 22nd of August was single handledly the WORST DAY of my life. I had some pretty bad ones. My maternal grandma passed away right before Christmas in 2001 and my paternal grandpa passed away in 2011. But losing my kids was awful. Not only was it life altering ... I quickly found out who was and wasn't in my corner. Nothing gives you deeper depression than losing your children and then finding out you get to fight the battle by yourself (for the most part).

Unlike many others who battle depression, I had a very solid support system in my husband and a couple very close friends. They were there the entire step of the way, especially when I needed them the most. I got the help I needed and the correct diagnosis made. Once more, I got my children back and I know EXACTLY who I can turn to when things get bad.

Not everyone has this.

Source

Due to my experience with depression, I decided this year to participate in the annual Out of the Darkness walk. It benefits the largest support network for suicide awareness, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The walk in Kansas City will be held on October 2. Not only am I walking, but I am volunteering as well. Depression and mental health has become a passion of mine. I would love if you donated straight to my fundraising site, but I understand that people like to spend money and get something in return.

Therefore, I am teaming up with two of my really good friends who have been through everything with me. I am holding three parties that will act as fundraisers for this walk. You can purchase from ANY ONE of the links below during the next few weeks and designate the money to go towards the fundraiser.

Perfectly Posh - Products made in the USA without harmful chemicals specially designed to pamper your body.
Thirty-One - Known for their bags & purses, but this company has expanded to help organize and add flair to any aspect of your life.
Scentsy (you will need to designate Out of the Darkness upon checkout) - Add natural aroma to your home with warmers that melt wax or other scented products.

Again, if you don't want to make a purchase but wish to donate, I have a site set up WITH Out of the Darkness to accept those donations.

If you would like to learn more about the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, you can find them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. In addition, you can learn more about Out of the Darkness from their website or follow them on Facebook. If you have are battling with suicidal thoughts, please call 1-800- 273-TALK (8255) immediately! You are not alone!

*Note - All donations are 100% tax deductible!*

What is living in acronym hell?

So, I thought it would be best to start a new personal blog, and leave my Redbird Empire blog to be more about business related topics. While I absolutely love talking about my kids and my life, it is hard to separate that from coding, electronics, technology, social media, and everything else that Redbird Empire is about. It only made sense to start a blog that was my personal life. I thought for a long time about what to call my personal blog, because there are so many cool names out there.

However, after the past few years of being diagnosed and treated for PPD, having suffered from PTSD, having a psychiatrist tell me that I have ADD (in addition to bi-polar and OCD), then being told I DIDN'T have bi-polar ... but rather GAD & OCD. I started to wonder how much more of the alphabet could be shoved into my life. You know what, never wonder these things! My eldest daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD & OCD. She talks about her life on her blog at Marvel-ously Talented. My son has been diagnosed with extreme anxiety, and possibly Asperger's (pending more testing). Oh, and he has SPD. My second daughter, who is four, has been diagnosed with SPD, which is now classified as a manifestation of ASD.

What in tarnation am I talking about? For those who do know, you are probably crying along with me. But for those who are just visiting my site because you know me from Redbird Empire, let me define.

• PPD - Post-Partum Depression
• ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder
• PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
• OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• GAD - General Anxiety Disorder
• ADHD - Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder
• SPD - Sensory Processing Disorder
• ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder

My goal with my new site is to show you what life is like in my house. However, maybe more importantly, it is to give me a place to talk about what I go through and feel a way to breathe. Maybe someone who has already gone through the same things would love to give insight for me. Maybe someone else is feeling so overwhelmed and they do not know which way to turn. I am not deleting my past blog posts at Redbird Empire. You can still find them. I will edit this post after I get the finalized location set. I plan on making them accessible through a link so they do not distract from my budding business.

I hope this site continues to grow and become a place where I can feel that it is no longer hell ... but just normal life. Parenting is hard. Parenting with severe anxiety is extremely hard. I just want one day for it to feel "normal."

Maintaining New Year's Resolutions - Getting Healthy

Last week I talked about maintaining your New Year's Resolution to lose weight. However, today's post is more about getting healthy. They are very different things. Not everyone who is at their ideal weight is healthy, in fact, some people may need to put on weight to become healthy. For most, an ASPECT of getting healthy is to lose weight ... but for our family, we have discovered there is a lot more to it.

I have stressed multiple times that I am working on bringing my mind, body, and soul to better health. That is one of the biggest things I hope to pass along with this blog. This includes weight loss, but it also means mental health, emotional health, stress management, and physical health. Let me expound on a few things that I am doing this year to help our family become healthy and stay that way.

This was our family in the fall of 2011 ... just as life began to spiral downhill ... but you would NEVER know it from this photo. My wonderful husband was working 70+ hours a week and my kids were being home schooled. Peanut had serious issues with bullying in the school she was at and Bullfrog was just too advanced for their curriculum. I was silently struggling with post-partum depression, low milk supply, and the overall burnout. We put on a very good front ... no one in our circle knew how bad things were. To everyone on the outside, our health as a family was great.

What I'm trying to say here is ... you are NOT alone and you do NOT have to feel ashamed for not having your life's health where you want it. Make it your goal this year to improve the following areas and you will find success everywhere. There are many days when I get to the end of the day and think to myself ... man alive, parenting SUCKS. However, I never reach the end of the day anymore and think, there is no hope for anything but what we have.



We have made a LOT of changes since October 2011. Obviously, we have added a family member (not the one on the far left, he's been around for a while now and we love him to bits). We have a LOT of room to improve; actually, I have a lot of room to improve. Here are some of the things I am working on to help get healthy this year.

Sleep

Before I would work until 2 to 3 in the morning. I would then be up by 8am to deal with the kids and maybe grab a few cat naps here and there. It was NOT working for me and everyone knew it. I was a grouch and lived on caffeine. I now make sure I am in bed by 1:30am at the very latest. I still get up around 8am with the girls, but I at least feel a little more rested. I also give myself the big OKAY to take a nap during the day. Turtle doesn't always nap, but she does get quiet time in her room by herself. It is a safe area and she can nap if she wants. During her quiet time, I sleep. I usually aim for a 2-hour nap but sometimes I only get about 90 minutes. While that may sound extreme, it is what works for our family. You need to find what works for your family so that you can function without the grumps.

Changing Diets

One of the biggest things that had bugged me about our financial state was our inability to be picky about what we ate. Having IBS, it made it difficult to eat so I wasn't struggling with intestinal issues. So, once we had the ability to tailor the diet, I did. This has become more important because Turtle has struggled since birth with constipation. In fact, we landed at Children's Mercy back in early 2014 because little girl was just breaking down in tears trying to go potty. We did EVERYTHING .. Miralax, increase fiber, increase juice (especially prune juice), increase water ... nothing was working. After talking with hubby and talking to a specialist about options ... we realized we had one last ditch effort. We are now a family who is gluten-free, lactose-free, and soy-free. It has been a HUGE change. It is too early for me to tell you all about the entire benefits we are seeing. Right now, we have just noticed that our little Turtle is no longer crying and struggling to pass even just a small amount of stool. The doctor did tell us that it will take a full two weeks to really see benefits and up to six months for the effects of everything to completely clear. We are hoping the transition continues to be an easy one. So far, we aren't having to fight too hard on it.

Household Duty Delegation

If there is one thing that drives me batty .. it is all the parent shaming. People feel they know what method is best and if you do something different, then you must be "bullied" about it. One of these areas ... household chores. I am a firm believer in delegation. If you HAVE the ability to hire a housekeeper ... DO! There is NOTHING wrong with it! Honestly, I would LOVE to someday be able to afford to have a personal chef come and make me breakfast and lunch ... I enjoy cooking dinner but the other two meals are such a chore for me. Wouldn't it be awesome to hire someone to come take something off your hands? Guess what ... you have children! Peanut and Bullfrog both have set chores they are responsible for each day. While we don't HAVE to pay them ... we do. Right now Monkey is working on picking up after herself, so we haven't looked to add anything else. Turtle is good to follow directions period ... so she's a work in progress. Until my husband took on a second job, he delegated the kitchen as his areas. Your health and the health of your family relationships depend on delegation. Hold a family meeting and get this sorted out ... sooner rather than later!

Here are a few other things that are helping me manage my stress, and improve my health:

• Art therapy - coloring, cross-stitch, embroidery, etc.


• Writing


• Exercise


• Talking with friends over a cup of something hot


• Date nights with hubby!! <- SO important


• Reading


• Simply getting out of the house by myself


• Pampering myself (makeup, massage, haircut, brows done, mani/pedi)


• Attend church & read scriptures

What are things you do to keep your mind, body, and soul healthy? Did you make a resolution to get healthy this year? What steps have you taken to make this a reality for you? Let me know in the comments below!

It's been rough

You ever have those days where you don't want to talk to people because you have absolutely nothing nice to say? Yup, it has been one of those weeks. I have had one of those weeks where almost everything either annoys me or I am just not "not feeling it."

However, with it being Mother's Day, I am pulling out of my funk long enough to write a post.



In May of 2002, I became a wife and learned I would be a mother only 7 weeks later. A pregnancy during the first year of marriage is one way to see how strong your marriage will be. We learned very early that we could lean on each other to push through the tough times. I became a mother on February 28, 2003. Peanut took FOREVER to enter the world and there were talks of possible c-sections. She came out on her own schedule at 10:01pm and has been the face of a million expressions ever since.

We discovered in November of 2002 that we were expecting again. We were scared and unsure what to do. We lost the child only three weeks later, but we realized that we were definitely called to have more than one child. We decided to start trying in early 2003 for another child.

My labor with Bullfrog was extremely difficult and I couldn't bring myself to even think about pregnancy or deliver for several years. When he was four, we started trying to have a child again. We were where we wanted to be financially and really enjoying life. We were blessed a pregnancy finally in the beginning of 2010. Jeremy and I could not have been happier. However, our happiness was dashed when I suffered a miscarriage in March of 2010, at 12 weeks. We found out the child had died around 9 weeks of age. We had to go through the pain of a natural miscarriage since our insurance would not cover a medicinal one. It didn't break our hopes. We restarted trying and became pregnant in late June 2010.

Monkey joined our family on April 7, 2011. Her childhood was plagued with difficulty with weight gain. We decided that our family was complete and began to settle down. However, God had other plans for us. I got real sick in late March 2012 and we were pretty sure I was pregnant. It took a LONG time for the pregnancy tests to tell us what we already knew. An unplanned pregnancy, and one that threw my entire life for a loop (dealing with PPD, financial strain, and pregnancy), I was worried how our family would cope. I remained faithful, even with the trials we went through after August of 2012, and in December (a week after my due date), I would deliver my final child.

Every Mother's Day has brought a time to reflect on my life and how much I have grown. I have been a parent for just over 11 years, but I have learned a lot. I am now preparing to enter the life of a mom of a teenager and I am not sure I am ready for it. However, just as I was not sure I was ready to be a parent, I have faith that the Lord will guide me through.

I have some of the BEST friends to help me along the way, and a husband who is my rock. With faith, hope, and love ... I will continue to parent my children to the best of my ability.

Happy Mother's Day to all those who are parents of children, parents of fur babies, parents who have lost a child, and women who long to have a child of their own. You are all loved and thought of this day.

Look at the two of us ...

Christmas Eve is only a day away. This day last year brought heartache, as we celebrated it with only one of our four children. So, today's prompt from the Blog Dare, really spoke to me.

August 22, 2012 was my life-changing event. I learned a lot about me, my husband, my friends, and my family. 328 days later (and a few hours), we were reunited after a lot of changes. In those 328 days, my husband and I formed a deeper bond than you could possibly imagine. Many people told us that we would never make it ... you know what, they said that about our marriage too. Marriage is a lot of work, but when you find the person who is perfect for you, you can do it. There were nights when he just held me as I cried, and others when he was sure to let me know how he was feeling.

328 days later, we came out on top and showed everyone that our love for our children was stronger than anything. That depression, bi-polar, and anxiety cannot prevent GOOD parenting from taking place.

So, look at the two of us ...
~ mid 30's and a family of 7 (one who is living with his mother but is definitely one of our family as well)
~ both working in our dream jobs (although mine was unknown for a long time
~ equal parenting of children who respect the changes that have been made

I went to a Mary Kay event with a dear friend last week. There was one statement that Linda Toupin stated, and I will carry with me for a LONG time.

"You can love the messenger, and not love the message. Sometimes, that message is wrong."

So, Jeremy and I have learned how to love people, but not the words that come out of their mouth. We have learned how to love people, but not the choices they make. After 328 days, we have learned how to work as a team, be there for each other, and have a family unit that is self-reliant. Look at the two of us .... we are succeeding.

Oct 15th: National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

This month is unbelievably hard on many families. It is the month when breast cancer awareness is pushed with pink ribbons and pink fountains. This is something that is near to my heart. I have lost several loved ones to this horrific disease. One who was just a few years older than me and left behind a husband and her young children. It runs in my family, and is something that I will have to inform my children about getting checks and making it a priority.

This month is also when awareness is brought about to those who suffer from SPD (sensory processing disorder). Again, this is near to my heart. My son has already been diagnosed and the case manager and therapist are fairly certain that my daughter will be as well. I am dreading the call to our county health department to have a psychiatrist brought in since she is just barely too old for Early Intervention. She missed the follow-up and and now that she is over 2, she does not meet their criteria. Life with my special needs children is NOT easy and leaves me wishing for a tall glass of wine most evenings. I love them to death and we are learning together as a family how to help them handle the "real" world with the least amount of stress.

However, this month is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month and today is the actual awareness day.


I wish I could say that I never went through the pain of miscarrying, but that isn't the case. I went through it more than once and the pain leaves a void. It does not matter whether that loss occurs at 5 weeks, or if the child is still born. The loss is very real and very painful. Today I have been reflecting on my losses and remembering family members and friends who have lost children at birth, shortly after, and then years after. My heart breaks with every story I hear. Before you judge someone for the grief they are feeling, and whether they should just "get over it" ... take a minute to think about carrying a living being inside you and then having it ripped from your dreams. I am not just a statistic ... I am a mother, I am a fighter, and I still miss my babies. Visit Faces of Loss to see others who are just like me, read their stories, feel their pain.

Talking Serious Right Now

USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.

*may contain hard to read information*

I like to keep my blog uplifting and down to Earth. Unfortunately, there are life events that do not always allow that to happen. Everyone knows the past year has been extremely tough on my family and I am very thankful for my husband. He was there beside me every step of the way.

Let's back up a bit.


I was SO excited to be expecting again in 2010. We had been trying for almost a year. Throughout those 9 months, life began to hit some real hard bumps. We weathered the storm but it was not without damage. I fell into a depression and it became full blown PPD (post-partum depression) shortly after Monkey was born. I tried to seek help but kept hitting roadblocks. Jeremy wasn't sure what was wrong and had no clue about PPD. We continued to weather the storm ... but not as well.

August 22, 2012 life stopped. CPS came, cops came, code enforcement came ... everyone left ... including my children. I cannot begin to tell you what that did to me. Emotionally and physically. I have had MANY people ask me how I managed to stay positive over the course of 11 months while we worked to get our children back home with us. I must say it was because of the help the state gave us and my supportive husband.

That support is not something everyone has however ... which is why September 10th is an EXTREMELY important date. It is Suicide Prevention Day. While I was never suicidal during those long, dark days ... I know many who have battled suicidal thoughts. BlogHer and many others are teaming up and talking about experiences and support for Suicide Prevention. Support to show that we understand ... life SUCKS. It is HARD and it is not always fair. Depression is something that is REAL and even if people do not talk about it, it does not mean they are not fighting it. They are not lazy ... they are not seeking attention ... they are not pessimists ... they have a void.



USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.  

If you or a friend are considering suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273- (8255). It is free and confidential.

 
 RIP Don Harman - Loved by THOUSANDS around the KC Metro  

Source

 

Such a proud mom!

As I continue to work behind the scenes on dealing with the effects of my postpartum depression, things are finally beginning to wrap up. I have learned so much in the last six months, but the biggest realization I have made is the fact that I had forgotten how much I love my children. Life is just not the same without them here, regardless of the fights and attitudes. I miss hearing Monkey  singing all the time, Peanut humming while doing her homework, and Bullfrog constantly talking about his YuGiOh, Bakugon, and other card games that I have no clue about!

Tonight I got the chance to watch my daughter take a big step. That step was trying out for a prestigious choir here in Kansas City. The Allegro Children's Choir is one of the best choirs Kansas City has to offer. We asked her about it a couple years ago, and she was not ready to try out for it. However, she changed her mind this year. We are at a place where we can support that desire and give her the wind under her wings so she can fly. She picks up on songs so quickly and is very receptive to being taught. Especially when it is something that she absolutely enjoys. We will find out in about a week what, if any, choir group she was accepted into.

This does not change her love for violins and photography. It also does not change her love for wanting to read American Girl books, or other historical non-fiction book. She will always be my young lady trapped in a little girl's body. The girl I want to have sit on my lap while I brush her hair. The girl I want to snuggle up to on her futon bed at night and play footsie. That little girl that has a million different facial expressions from the day she was born.

I am having a hard time believing that my little Peanut is now in double digits and becoming quite the young lady. Full of spunk, full of life, full of energy, and full of the belief that anything is possible.

Realization is setting in

Friday marked 9 full weeks pregnant. We thought we were farther along but the u/s showed the baby was a lot younger. The heartbeat was good and the legs and arms are just forming. I just can't believe that I am pregnant.

I wish I could say that this was a wanted thing and that we have been trying to conceive, but reality is that we assumed Monkey would be our last. We did what we could to prevent having another while breastfeeding. Some people are super excited for us and some think I am stupid. It is what it is though and there is nothing that can change it. My children are excited and I am getting there.
Morning sickness has been plaguing me for weeks now, but I have the help of a wonderful lay midwife/herbalist who is keeping me sane.

Monkey is officially moved into the girl's room and sleeping through the night. We credit that, though, to her wearing a disposable over night. I was hoping she would be an all cloth baby, especially with her sensitivities, but I value sleep. She doesn't seem to have too many problems with the disposable overnight only. Monkey is also beginning to walk and will clap when we cheer for her. I can't believe she is almost 13 months old, it feels like just yesterday she was born ....

In just under 8 months, I will be starting all over again. Our due date is anywhere from November 30th to December 2nd.

Oyi Vey

When it rains, it pours in this household. I am going to count my blessings today because the darkness overpowers.

1. All my kids are healthy despite the ickies floating around.
2. My kids haven't had school since the 9th and have been big helps in making sure all gifts are done and wrapped (and tagged) by Saturday morning.
3. My daughter loves to cook and has been making sure everyone has lunch at lunchtime so that I can work on items they don't realize are being given to them! *wink*
4. I have found some online jobs that I am eager to really take off on after the holidays.
5. Jeremy still has a job.
6. My kids LOVE reading.
7. Oh, and my supply is up. Yesterday I pumped 3oz. Today I pumped 5oz. This makes me feel AWESOME inside.
8. Monkey is currently asleep ... IN HER CRIB.

Yeah, I think I will dwell on the last two. They make me smile. I hope everyone remembers to count their blessings when the darkness begins to creep in. It really is the only way I stay sane some days. The list could easily go on as I think about it. Which, of course, is why it is important to count the blessings because once you start, it is easier to keep going. Something called inertia I think. lol